Why reassurance doesn't actually help
Why thinking it through doesn't make it feel better
Why reassurance doesn't actually help
Why thinking it through doesn't make it feel better
Your brain picks the option that preserves control right now. Self-sabotage is often a control strategy: If I don't fully try, I can't fully fail."
We’ve all seen people snap into anger and instantly sort the world into “us vs them." Certainty and belonging feel like control when life seems unstable. Picking a side and attacking the other is a fast way to regain agency and reduce ambiguity—even if it makes everything worse long-term.
Insight doesn’t change the brain’s moment-to-moment sense of safety and control...the old control strategies still fire under stress. Change perceived control—what feels possible, predictable, and survivable—and the unhealthy behavior usually changes because the workaround is simply no longer necessary.
When people feel in control, they can handle uncertainty.
When that feeling drops, behavior changes fast.
People don't suddenly become irrational.
They start trying to restore control -
in whatever way works.
I CALL IT THE ALPHA DRIVE.
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